The Tampon Incident

Today was an absurdly boring day in radiology, and so I shall tell...

Tales from Ob-Gyn HELLLLLLLL!!!!!!!

Actually, this story comes from a few months ago, when I had finished all of my gyn rotations. I got multiple calls from a girlfriend of mine while I was relaxing in the evening, and with spotty reception, she had left a number of voicemails with increasing intensity referring to a "medical problem that's kind of urgent". When I got them, I was running through various versions of OMG-HER-MOM-IS-HAVING-A-HEART-ATTACK. So, tenuously, I called back.

The Tampon, a one act play:

Me: Hey M, what's up?
M: Oooh! SO glad you called. We have...a situation. And you're my medical go-to.
Me: Ok, what's the matter?
M: It's my sister.
Me: ...your sister? ~thinks of own sister and different panic attack sets in~
M: Yeah. She...well...she got drunk. And then she had sex.
Me: ~scenarios persist in worsening~
M: And...she's having her period. Um...she can't find the tampon.
Me: ...Huh? What do you mean, she can't find the tampon?
M: The tampon. She doesn't remember having taken it out before having sex. And now she can't find it. And we don't know what to do.
Me: ~internal giggle~ Ok, this isn't as bad as you think. ~internal giggle~
M: She's worried that it went into her uterus. She's worried she's going to get toxic shock syndrome.
Me: Well, TSS is of course a risk with tampons but less so today than it was before, because they changed the way tampons are made. I suppose it COULD go in the uterus but I think that's kind of unlikely. Tell her to have a good feel inside first, all the way back to the cervix. It will feel like a little firm donut. She needs to sweep all around the vagina, in front of and around the cervix. Do you think she can do that?
M: ~internal giggle~ I think so. But what if it DID go in her uterus?
Me: Hmmm. Well, in that case the best thing would be to see her ob-gyn first thing in the morning. But I think the most likely scenario is that she took the tampon out and just doesn't remember. Maybe it fell out during sex.
M: Well, her boyfriend did say he didn't remember feeling it.
Me: ...well then I guess he'd be the expert..in that department... ~actual giggle~
Me and M: ~giggles all around~
Me: Just let her know she can call me if she needs to. But I think she's ok. I really doubt it went IN the uterus. It's not that big and the cervical os is pretty small if she's never had a kid. If it went in the uterus, you'd see the tampon string sticking out of her cervical os, into the vagina. She'd at least be able to feel that string if she really pokes around. I mean a GOOD POKE.
M: ~giggle~ Ok. Thanks hon. I'll tell her. Byeeee!
~end of conversation~
Me: Officially, awesome-est friend-calling-about-medical-problem-situation EVER.

~FIN~